| | Should be sleeping as usual.
Sorry to all who have written me and not
gotten anything back, I've been on a rollercoaster as of late and its
left me hollow and drained by the end of the day.
The demons in my mind
have been eating me alive and at times I can't imagine making it out
with any mental capacity to speak of, a broken child unable to take
care of herself anymore.
I just need to get away from it... even if its
just for a day, or a night.. maybe then I could make it through this...
without it? well lets just say I have my doubts.
These
frowns seem tailor-made to fit my face. A smile is almost out of place.
That sneer will never stem from grace. My teeth are sharp but tis my
tongue that makes the solid base. Is my mouth just a gleaming wrinkle
filling space? A glossy link from a weary, artless place? for lo, in
your memory, my lips will leave more trace, than the well-worn prosaic
pithy I try to state.
I do not like disappointing people.
Perhaps this is partly why I have a tendency to be so distant from
everyone.
The less they know of me the less they can expect of me and
the less likely they are to be let down when I don't live up to what
they feel I am capable of.
What I am capable of.
No one's going to ask
me to sail to the moon.
There's no unrealistic expectations; there are
some misguided ones to be sure, and some lack of understanding, but
that's due as much to my self-imposed distancing; and nothing that has
been asked of me has ever been beyond my abilities.
Well okay there was
this one time that charlie asked me to betray the other angels and I
was like fuck off you evasive ninny they're like my sisters and besides
I could never eat a whole triple-layered ice cream cake but that's
another story (or reality. whatever).
All I lack is Strength. Resolve.
Confidence. Will. Patience.
And that's what this adventure is truly
meant to accomplish.
I'm hoping to force my own hand, so to speak, to
put myself in a position where I have to be stronger.
No one else is
going to do it for me.
No one else will push me that hard, because of
the protectiveness thing, the aura of weakness or whatever.
Sure, maybe
this is weakness, doing it this way.
It's sort of running away to face
problems that are right in front of me.
But I simply cannot be trusted
to do this thing without motivation.
I can only grow so much if I am
not made to grow any further.
I can honestly see no other way of doing
it.
Maybe it is a wheeled toaster.
I wont know until I try.
And maybe
I'll crumble and burn.
It's a possibility.
I do not fear it though.
I
don't think I will.
If anything, this might be too easy.
If it turns
out that way, I'll make it harder.
Probably the hardest thing will be
knowing when to stop.
Realising when I've come far enough, that I've
found what I wanted. |
| | Posted 5/2/2006 11:44 PM - 33 Views - 6 eProps - 3 comments
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